What am I
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you're the light. I'm the shadows.
you're shining brightly while I exists behind your light.
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you're the star. I'm the moon.
you stand alone brightly, while I just reflecting your light.
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We both human.
Yet so different.
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You believed in the hope, the light, the ease of suffering, the humanity.
While I believed in fear, agony, darkness, limitless suffering, and the hatred of humanity.
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You watched almost everything in positive way.
While I watched them in so freakin' angsty negative way.
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I couldn't help it.
I couldn't help it.
I wanted to shine brighter.
to reach the same sky as you stay.
But I couldn't.
I always lost everything that I hold dear.
My cat.
My friends.
My grandmother.
My chances.
My dreams.
My love.
My life.
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Even I writing this so goddamn things so frequently.
No one even cared.
No one even cared.
No one even cared.
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It's always like this.
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Back then, when I was a little kid.
No one actually cared to my grandmother.
There's only me standing there, glaring with tears to that man.
The man that NEVER UNDERSTANDS my grandmother.
That her memories are fading and so was her mind.
Not even one, single being supported me.
They all just gay in their desks.
Stay silent and unmoving, just like some porcelain statue.
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In that kid days.
Nobody cares 'bout me.
Yea nobody.
nobody.
I'm envious to my little sister.
In her elementary school days.
Her friends often came to house, asking her to play together or something.
Well maybe they aren't her inseparateable friends till death or something.
But sure I was jealous about how she can learn to befriends people.
How she can learn to trust them.
While in my kid days.
Everything I see is that it's hard to trust any people.
Because of the human ugliness.
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Well actually, there's this girl in my elementary days.
With scars of emotions, undoubtly.
She's so matured in that days, her ways of thinking.
That she could break my darkness.
Just by saying, "tenang aja yan, gak apa-apa kok." once.
and by fixing my so crumpled uniform collar in front of my class.
even I was such a good for nothing boy.
But in the end, I still feel the pain.
Seeing she was going out with some of "well I know he's tall and handsome boy, but I think it is just not right" person.
But I didn't doing anything.
Because what?
I was such a sore loser.
Then I entered middle school, and no news ever since
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In my junior high school days.
My perception didn't changed.
I create an unbreakable, unseen wall with only a tiny spot to hack.
Yeah.
I was a damn timid.
"Loser kind of people.", I thought that was in their minds.
"Freaky, mommy's boy, gay."
"Uncool, nerdy."
Only some really few people really interested in me that time.
Well let's just call that "fate", maybe.
But I always give them a cold shoulders.
Since I hate the pain I'll get later.
The pain of lost.
Some surrender to this cold shoulders, some not really care, some didn't surrender.
Those who surrender just becomes a person I know their names or faces.
Those who not really care just becomes laughing and fun times companions.
Those who didn't surrender becomes the person I truly ever cared.
Even I truly cared, I was so damned antisocial.
I never be a good friend to them.
I didn't have a courage to console them when they had troubles.
I didn't have a courage to support them when they're down.
So I guess I acted to them undifferently from the "Those who not really care" people.
Besides, they had their other "friends" to.
As they weren't as so damned angsty and freakin' like me.
Although I know they've tried their best to cheer me up when I down, in not a straight way.
Sometimes by asking to play some vid games together.
Sometimes by joking together.
It was nice.
Although I was expecting some of cheering words and lots of straight support way.
But damn cares bout that.
I was too timid even to ask my "sure friends" like that.
I joined the ROHANI, seeking God for answers.
How should I interacted with peoples.
But maybe because I WAS A LITTLE BOY WITH DARKENED HEART.
All I got was another reason to hated people.
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In the 3rd grade of junior high.
When in all of my times in my life no one girl other than in my family came and asking me some friendly questions, appear.
Well, what makes this special is because this is the FIRST time some GIRL actually talked to me first, even in this normal world, THIS IS SO DAMN NORMAL THING, SO WHAT, I WAS A DAMNED FREAK CHILD FROM THE BEGINNING, RIGHT? SOMETHING NORMAL WAS NOT NORMAL TO ME.
Personally, it was just a simple questions.
"Eh, eh tadi kamu disebrangin sama nenek kamu ya?", She said in a cheerful tone.
(In my mind, I was a little insulted. My grandmother IS ONE THOUSAND TIMES GREATER than that........ helper)
But I saw her cheerful face. I scanned and interpreted the data my eyes send to my brain.
(A girl like this truly existed? Such cheerful-toned girl with pretty face that asking some of "what I should call that some friendly conversations thing" to a "self-explanatory, ultimate timid FAT (damn I admitted it), absolutely no sportsman (FAT thing again), definitely not some popular band-boy personals, especially those damned handsome vocalists, which his only strength is just a lil'bit of brains because of his nerdiness in his eccentric elementary lives." (whew, such an ultimately long self explanatory, yeah.)
actually I didn't remember how I responded back then. Maybe because it was REALLY shocking. and when I'm panicking, logic circuits go off and everything will just go blank.
whatever. memory breakdowns happen that time, I knew it.
the day went so bright after that. rarely in my life I had a day that bright.
When I was going home, I was going to ride the ultimate blue-colored vehicle that can carry well at least 15 people (read : angkot sederhana-cipagalo, arah buah batu).
When I entered the side door, unconsciously I scanned people that already in there (I remembered it was almost full), then I saw THAT GIRL, once again.
And the kind of timidly and damned freak boy paused his walking for a moment, glancing to the girl.
The girl glanced back to me, without words.
Silent moment passed through.
After some blank-staring moment, I continued to sit on the farthest seat, in the back.
I found one of my and her classmate, sitting in front of me.
"Eh Ryan.", she said.
"Eh Egi.", I said.
Then I stayed silent the whole way.
lame @_@', but that was I, ultimately timid boy with socializing problem. Nah, I'm not proud being that timid and socializing problem, but I must accept what I was before, right? If I couldn't accept it, I could never go on.
Then I arrived at my destination, front of Bank Muamalat, Buah Batu.
"Duluan ya", I said to Egi.
"Iya.", she answered.
But on contrary, I said nothing to the girl that made me frozen like a porcelain statue.
Soo typical of damned freak and timid boy. o_O
After this single one day, The Freak evolved to a new level, A Stalking Freak. (damned retard! no one girl in this world wanted to be stalked, stupid @_@). The Stalking Freak gathered as many information as he can. Days by days, months by months. Until he got a conclusion.
This girl was so damned high level. She's a good girl who obeys rules, knows how to socialize effectively, without sacrificing her character and ideals, quite bright, with diligent traits that almost every academic girl carry, well besides that, sure she's pretty, right? Well she's quite clumsy in sports and sometimes her humors too crunchy (translate : garing) for me, but that made it quite another cute point, right? well at least for me. But the grandest thing was her emotion control. IMO, that emotion control was just so heavily terrifying, even until now. The way she masked it was sooo damned neat and poker face, as if nothing could even read her minds, because when you see "this sucks, or down or whatever" face, she can changed it back to poker face thing, if not happy face, when others started to interact with her. Awesome @_@.
And her so goddamn determination in academics is totally grandoise. Well, must be she had something that truly inspiring her. Something that this damned retard didn't have... till now.
Each time I watched her, I learned something new, I had this new point of view of life. I learned hope. I learned that nothin' impossible. getting 100 is possible in any subjects, living a bright side of life is possible, slowly I forgave everything happens in my childhood. Well, in my childhood, I rarely stayed with my parents, in my late kindergarten until the elementary graduation, I almost stayed in my grandmother's house, keeping her company because of her old age. I knew it was a good cause, a noble cause. but heck, slowly it's tearing me apart from the inside. I respected my grandma a lot, but her over possessive-ness was making me had difficulties in interacting with people. She intervened a lot in my social interaction. I knew she was doing that because she was so greatly cared about me, and I was happy about it, and she means no harm. But, I realized that this kind of attention gave me little scars that grew bigger and bigger in time.
Sorry Yaa Alloh, I told my good deeds in public thing. But please don't discount my rewards. After all, it wasn't my rewards, it was my parents rewards, ok? After all, little kids good deeds rewards goes to their parents, right? Maybe I was not so "ikhlas" and patient enough in this present time, sorry. But please don't penalize my parents rewards. After all, no one will bother read this social-hobo's blog, right? and I'm sure most of them dumb enough to be fooled with background-same coloring, right? okay that was soo OOT.
okay, basicly, she gave me a new point of view 'bout life. Well I guess The Omnipotent giving His Wisdom and Clues 'bout life to me through her, am I right?
When I realized, I had changed so much more. I could cross the road alone (HECK, YOU WERE A THIRD GRADE MIDDLE-SCHOOLER YET YOU COULDN'T CROSS THE ROAD ALONE BEFORE???), I started bathing frequently (HECK, YOU NEVER BATH FREQUENTLY? EWW), I started to studying and exercising, well, even it is because my pride wouldn't wanna to lose to her in academics. (WELL YES YOU WERE A PRIDEFUL NERDY,HAHAHA)
I learned how to mask feelings, the most applicative case is when I found out she was going out. (wow, what an effective application!) I gay and laughed like a clown all that time, till I graduated. In my heart, well, the guy she's going out with was a great guy. He has good marks, athletic, popular, and well IMO he's also wise. Well actually in this short time before I found out this thingie, I tried to became like that. So, when I found out what a guy he was, I felt relieved, and frustated, both at a same time. I relieved that she has found a guy that sure has a high possibility to make her live happily ever after. And I frustated because I was not the guy, and I could do nothing because I was still trying to crawl up there. Very human isn't it? That time I became quite impulsive and I must admit, it leaves me a scar until now, even the wounds sure had healed for a very long time. What scar? simple. To damnedly afraid for getting know the girl you like and ask her to getting know you too, because you simply feel that you are so fuckingly far below of her. Well you know, that time until now, I NEVER want her to be my girlfriend or something. I just want to know more personal things 'bout her, and want her to know me better. Lame? NO! to me, LOVE is SACRED. And even in the state of screwing so much like me right now, I still hold my principal in man-woman relationship. "Jangan dekati zina." "Kalo berdua-duaan, yang ketiganya setan." The hell, I know I'm screwing my life like now, but I still hold my principles you know.
But in the end, I could not really do nothing to rise her spirit up, even when the day in my high school orientation day. When I (freakin again) going home while following her,(Well, our homes were on same direction, right?) I was riding the same "angkot" with her and her "something significant boy, right?". I could feel it. the atmosphere was deadly, cold, intense, sad, well whatever depressing. I looked at her, I could see tears are forming in her eyes, about to fall. Meanwhile the boy, IMO forming a mask, while I thought that he was just acting strong. Well whatever, it's just a melancholic boy speculation. I mean, I was nothing to them both, right? As flat as water flea -_-. But I couldn't stand saw her tears forming, ready to drop every moment. And as I felt anger rose in my mind, because I didn't know why but my mind said that this very "something her significant boy" that made her on verge of crying. So as every loser did, I ran, I stopped quickly at Naripan, going another route home. Am I just running away or I just being wise, afraid my anger completely controlled me, well I didn't know, I never know until now.
Well so high school era began. Well, I was still a "hard socializing" boy, but with brighter personality. At least I wasn't detesting people very much that time. I had some close friends, even I still built a wall unconsciously. sorry, a way of life is hard to change. But overall, my first year is quite stable. And my academics also not so bad. Well of course stalking mode is still on. But I never saw her almost crying face like that time again, and she looked quite happy. Well, that's nice, right?
When I entered the second grade, I try to became more "active people". I planned to completely changed this "social-hobo" thingie and try to make this girl thing outta my mind. After all, my friends this time tends to be more sociable. I became a staff secretary in the DKM Al-Furqan, becoming a committee in many events, mainly DKM events. Try to enlighten myself in my connections with The Merciful. Unfortunately, that plan backfired. These too sudden movements made me a bit stressed, and befriended with these sociable but freak people was more fun than I thought, making me neglected my academics and tasks, becoming an easy-going people who didn't think nothing except fun. Or you could say, a slave of fun. My staff secretary role was far from being efficient, committee in many events made me tired (because I was not used to it) and hanging with those fuckin' crazy people brought me so damn many of fun @_@. So I failed at academics, at organizations, and of course at man-woman relationship. I realized this when I was about going to the third grade. I was desperate. Everything backfired. I had distances with my family because of rarely at home. My mind just couldn't concentrate because this girl thing slowly began to plagued my mind, resulting in failed academics and organizations. When I was thinking 'bout this. This is my first mental breakdown that affects my academics, the only thing I have never failed.
ZZZ I'm beginning to feel sleepy.
This mental breakdown gave birth to the one of ultimate incident, the shot. In my last days of 2nd year, near the exams, this girl thing was overpowering all of other problems, my academics my family, organizations. This girl problem thing cut out my logical abilities. And so, it happens. I confessed my feelings to her, via SMS. *SHEET, which girl in the world would be happy got a SMS saying that a guy that she didn't ever talked with him except several words love her. ARE YOU AN IDIOT OR SOMETHING?* Moreover, I forgot sign a name, forcing to send second SMS. *<- YOU REALLY ARE FUCKIN' RETARDED! * Silly me, I still hold my hopes high, truly, silly me. So the simple ultimate answer came. "apa sih ga bgt". Walking through ultimate devastation, the fuckin' retarded idiotic boy reply her again that he was just wanted to tell her that he loves her, that's all. *truly fuckin' idiotic retarded*. So the girl answers again... "terSerah" CRITICAL HIT! welcome to the melancholy. The boy stayed as a zombie for some last weeks of May. But no, this ordeal has not ended by that critical hit. When the fuckin' idiotic boy came having fun with his fuckin' crazy guys, his mental breakdown accidentally causes that two SMS spread. Welcome to hell, boy! My high school days has entered the new saga of HELL! Third year. That so damned information spreading has killed my dignity. I have no pride to lost, no dignity to save. I threw all those organizations. My so fuckin' crazy friends continued taunting me everyday, especially when my class and hers are just beside each other. o_0' But I didn't care, I have nothing to lose, cause I have lost everything. At least I could concentrate at study now, that no girl thing bugged me anymore, and I have threw all organizations. I didn't mad at my fuckin' crazy friends. Well, they got the information, I couldn't do nothing. All I asked was only to taunt and tease me alone, don't get her involved in this. And they amazingly did that, knowing they are so fuckin' crazy friends, yet they still understands. So all I have to do is just shining at academics to show what I was worth for. To show her that I really mean it. The results wasn't bad. My academics peaked rapidly in just few months. Even myself couldn't believe that I was doing this. I learned every subjects quickly and precisely, more with the laugh of my fuckin' crazy friends, sent me to the peak of my teen saga. But unfortunately, seeds of proud and boastful began to sprout in this time, because of this quick and efficient learning I had this time. I became arrogant and more arrogant, little by little. Acted as I knew the whole world. But in reality, no one knew me. As I enter the college, my fuckin' crazy friends all scattered through the world. While I grew arrogant day by day, I realized that this time, my fuckin' crazy friends weren't here with me. They're all have their own life now, and I realized that this was a zero start, and my fuckin' timid and socially withdrawn with apathetic feeling suddenly rose. The cause of thing was simple, the pain of being left. My fuckin' crazy friends now have their own life. The girl I love is living splendidly, without even need my existence. She didn't even really care that I got to this "so fuckin' hard to got in major thing." That pain of being left and unneeded gave birth to the socially withdrawn thing, because I'm afraid..... that in not so far future, I will feel this pain of being left again. if I create another bonds with another people. I know I can't fight the flow of time. I know I can't fight the constant changing. I know that the end comes one pack with beginning. As greetings come one pack with farewells. But I can't help it. I can't help it. I'm afraid of the pain. I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of believing. I'm afraid of dreaming. . . . . . Hey If someone fools enough to read this fuckin' drabble thing. Especially the girl. Please give me clue what should I do right now. Before I completely gone insane, thank you. So The Merciful. Please make her read this, ok. bye. I'm going to have a chat with You, The Merciful. please give me mercy, ok? . . . . . . . . . . . I ?
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you're the light. I'm the shadows.
you're shining brightly while I exists behind your light.
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you're the star. I'm the moon.
you stand alone brightly, while I just reflecting your light.
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We both human.
Yet so different.
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You believed in the hope, the light, the ease of suffering, the humanity.
While I believed in fear, agony, darkness, limitless suffering, and the hatred of humanity.
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You watched almost everything in positive way.
While I watched them in so freakin' angsty negative way.
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I couldn't help it.
I couldn't help it.
I wanted to shine brighter.
to reach the same sky as you stay.
But I couldn't.
I always lost everything that I hold dear.
My cat.
My friends.
My grandmother.
My chances.
My dreams.
My love.
My life.
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Even I writing this so goddamn things so frequently.
No one even cared.
No one even cared.
No one even cared.
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It's always like this.
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Back then, when I was a little kid.
No one actually cared to my grandmother.
There's only me standing there, glaring with tears to that man.
The man that NEVER UNDERSTANDS my grandmother.
That her memories are fading and so was her mind.
Not even one, single being supported me.
They all just gay in their desks.
Stay silent and unmoving, just like some porcelain statue.
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In that kid days.
Nobody cares 'bout me.
Yea nobody.
nobody.
I'm envious to my little sister.
In her elementary school days.
Her friends often came to house, asking her to play together or something.
Well maybe they aren't her inseparateable friends till death or something.
But sure I was jealous about how she can learn to befriends people.
How she can learn to trust them.
While in my kid days.
Everything I see is that it's hard to trust any people.
Because of the human ugliness.
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Well actually, there's this girl in my elementary days.
With scars of emotions, undoubtly.
She's so matured in that days, her ways of thinking.
That she could break my darkness.
Just by saying, "tenang aja yan, gak apa-apa kok." once.
and by fixing my so crumpled uniform collar in front of my class.
even I was such a good for nothing boy.
But in the end, I still feel the pain.
Seeing she was going out with some of "well I know he's tall and handsome boy, but I think it is just not right" person.
But I didn't doing anything.
Because what?
I was such a sore loser.
Then I entered middle school, and no news ever since
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In my junior high school days.
My perception didn't changed.
I create an unbreakable, unseen wall with only a tiny spot to hack.
Yeah.
I was a damn timid.
"Loser kind of people.", I thought that was in their minds.
"Freaky, mommy's boy, gay."
"Uncool, nerdy."
Only some really few people really interested in me that time.
Well let's just call that "fate", maybe.
But I always give them a cold shoulders.
Since I hate the pain I'll get later.
The pain of lost.
Some surrender to this cold shoulders, some not really care, some didn't surrender.
Those who surrender just becomes a person I know their names or faces.
Those who not really care just becomes laughing and fun times companions.
Those who didn't surrender becomes the person I truly ever cared.
Even I truly cared, I was so damned antisocial.
I never be a good friend to them.
I didn't have a courage to console them when they had troubles.
I didn't have a courage to support them when they're down.
So I guess I acted to them undifferently from the "Those who not really care" people.
Besides, they had their other "friends" to.
As they weren't as so damned angsty and freakin' like me.
Although I know they've tried their best to cheer me up when I down, in not a straight way.
Sometimes by asking to play some vid games together.
Sometimes by joking together.
It was nice.
Although I was expecting some of cheering words and lots of straight support way.
But damn cares bout that.
I was too timid even to ask my "sure friends" like that.
I joined the ROHANI, seeking God for answers.
How should I interacted with peoples.
But maybe because I WAS A LITTLE BOY WITH DARKENED HEART.
All I got was another reason to hated people.
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In the 3rd grade of junior high.
When in all of my times in my life no one girl other than in my family came and asking me some friendly questions, appear.
Well, what makes this special is because this is the FIRST time some GIRL actually talked to me first, even in this normal world, THIS IS SO DAMN NORMAL THING, SO WHAT, I WAS A DAMNED FREAK CHILD FROM THE BEGINNING, RIGHT? SOMETHING NORMAL WAS NOT NORMAL TO ME.
Personally, it was just a simple questions.
"Eh, eh tadi kamu disebrangin sama nenek kamu ya?", She said in a cheerful tone.
(In my mind, I was a little insulted. My grandmother IS ONE THOUSAND TIMES GREATER than that........ helper)
But I saw her cheerful face. I scanned and interpreted the data my eyes send to my brain.
(A girl like this truly existed? Such cheerful-toned girl with pretty face that asking some of "what I should call that some friendly conversations thing" to a "self-explanatory, ultimate timid FAT (damn I admitted it), absolutely no sportsman (FAT thing again), definitely not some popular band-boy personals, especially those damned handsome vocalists, which his only strength is just a lil'bit of brains because of his nerdiness in his eccentric elementary lives." (whew, such an ultimately long self explanatory, yeah.)
actually I didn't remember how I responded back then. Maybe because it was REALLY shocking. and when I'm panicking, logic circuits go off and everything will just go blank.
whatever. memory breakdowns happen that time, I knew it.
the day went so bright after that. rarely in my life I had a day that bright.
When I was going home, I was going to ride the ultimate blue-colored vehicle that can carry well at least 15 people (read : angkot sederhana-cipagalo, arah buah batu).
When I entered the side door, unconsciously I scanned people that already in there (I remembered it was almost full), then I saw THAT GIRL, once again.
And the kind of timidly and damned freak boy paused his walking for a moment, glancing to the girl.
The girl glanced back to me, without words.
Silent moment passed through.
After some blank-staring moment, I continued to sit on the farthest seat, in the back.
I found one of my and her classmate, sitting in front of me.
"Eh Ryan.", she said.
"Eh Egi.", I said.
Then I stayed silent the whole way.
lame @_@', but that was I, ultimately timid boy with socializing problem. Nah, I'm not proud being that timid and socializing problem, but I must accept what I was before, right? If I couldn't accept it, I could never go on.
Then I arrived at my destination, front of Bank Muamalat, Buah Batu.
"Duluan ya", I said to Egi.
"Iya.", she answered.
But on contrary, I said nothing to the girl that made me frozen like a porcelain statue.
Soo typical of damned freak and timid boy. o_O
After this single one day, The Freak evolved to a new level, A Stalking Freak. (damned retard! no one girl in this world wanted to be stalked, stupid @_@). The Stalking Freak gathered as many information as he can. Days by days, months by months. Until he got a conclusion.
This girl was so damned high level. She's a good girl who obeys rules, knows how to socialize effectively, without sacrificing her character and ideals, quite bright, with diligent traits that almost every academic girl carry, well besides that, sure she's pretty, right? Well she's quite clumsy in sports and sometimes her humors too crunchy (translate : garing) for me, but that made it quite another cute point, right? well at least for me. But the grandest thing was her emotion control. IMO, that emotion control was just so heavily terrifying, even until now. The way she masked it was sooo damned neat and poker face, as if nothing could even read her minds, because when you see "this sucks, or down or whatever" face, she can changed it back to poker face thing, if not happy face, when others started to interact with her. Awesome @_@.
And her so goddamn determination in academics is totally grandoise. Well, must be she had something that truly inspiring her. Something that this damned retard didn't have... till now.
Each time I watched her, I learned something new, I had this new point of view of life. I learned hope. I learned that nothin' impossible. getting 100 is possible in any subjects, living a bright side of life is possible, slowly I forgave everything happens in my childhood. Well, in my childhood, I rarely stayed with my parents, in my late kindergarten until the elementary graduation, I almost stayed in my grandmother's house, keeping her company because of her old age. I knew it was a good cause, a noble cause. but heck, slowly it's tearing me apart from the inside. I respected my grandma a lot, but her over possessive-ness was making me had difficulties in interacting with people. She intervened a lot in my social interaction. I knew she was doing that because she was so greatly cared about me, and I was happy about it, and she means no harm. But, I realized that this kind of attention gave me little scars that grew bigger and bigger in time.
Sorry Yaa Alloh, I told my good deeds in public thing. But please don't discount my rewards. After all, it wasn't my rewards, it was my parents rewards, ok? After all, little kids good deeds rewards goes to their parents, right? Maybe I was not so "ikhlas" and patient enough in this present time, sorry. But please don't penalize my parents rewards. After all, no one will bother read this social-hobo's blog, right? and I'm sure most of them dumb enough to be fooled with background-same coloring, right? okay that was soo OOT.
okay, basicly, she gave me a new point of view 'bout life. Well I guess The Omnipotent giving His Wisdom and Clues 'bout life to me through her, am I right?
When I realized, I had changed so much more. I could cross the road alone (HECK, YOU WERE A THIRD GRADE MIDDLE-SCHOOLER YET YOU COULDN'T CROSS THE ROAD ALONE BEFORE???), I started bathing frequently (HECK, YOU NEVER BATH FREQUENTLY? EWW), I started to studying and exercising, well, even it is because my pride wouldn't wanna to lose to her in academics. (WELL YES YOU WERE A PRIDEFUL NERDY,HAHAHA)
I learned how to mask feelings, the most applicative case is when I found out she was going out. (wow, what an effective application!) I gay and laughed like a clown all that time, till I graduated. In my heart, well, the guy she's going out with was a great guy. He has good marks, athletic, popular, and well IMO he's also wise. Well actually in this short time before I found out this thingie, I tried to became like that. So, when I found out what a guy he was, I felt relieved, and frustated, both at a same time. I relieved that she has found a guy that sure has a high possibility to make her live happily ever after. And I frustated because I was not the guy, and I could do nothing because I was still trying to crawl up there. Very human isn't it? That time I became quite impulsive and I must admit, it leaves me a scar until now, even the wounds sure had healed for a very long time. What scar? simple. To damnedly afraid for getting know the girl you like and ask her to getting know you too, because you simply feel that you are so fuckingly far below of her. Well you know, that time until now, I NEVER want her to be my girlfriend or something. I just want to know more personal things 'bout her, and want her to know me better. Lame? NO! to me, LOVE is SACRED. And even in the state of screwing so much like me right now, I still hold my principal in man-woman relationship. "Jangan dekati zina." "Kalo berdua-duaan, yang ketiganya setan." The hell, I know I'm screwing my life like now, but I still hold my principles you know.
But in the end, I could not really do nothing to rise her spirit up, even when the day in my high school orientation day. When I (freakin again) going home while following her,(Well, our homes were on same direction, right?) I was riding the same "angkot" with her and her "something significant boy, right?". I could feel it. the atmosphere was deadly, cold, intense, sad, well whatever depressing. I looked at her, I could see tears are forming in her eyes, about to fall. Meanwhile the boy, IMO forming a mask, while I thought that he was just acting strong. Well whatever, it's just a melancholic boy speculation. I mean, I was nothing to them both, right? As flat as water flea -_-. But I couldn't stand saw her tears forming, ready to drop every moment. And as I felt anger rose in my mind, because I didn't know why but my mind said that this very "something her significant boy" that made her on verge of crying. So as every loser did, I ran, I stopped quickly at Naripan, going another route home. Am I just running away or I just being wise, afraid my anger completely controlled me, well I didn't know, I never know until now.
Well so high school era began. Well, I was still a "hard socializing" boy, but with brighter personality. At least I wasn't detesting people very much that time. I had some close friends, even I still built a wall unconsciously. sorry, a way of life is hard to change. But overall, my first year is quite stable. And my academics also not so bad. Well of course stalking mode is still on. But I never saw her almost crying face like that time again, and she looked quite happy. Well, that's nice, right?
When I entered the second grade, I try to became more "active people". I planned to completely changed this "social-hobo" thingie and try to make this girl thing outta my mind. After all, my friends this time tends to be more sociable. I became a staff secretary in the DKM Al-Furqan, becoming a committee in many events, mainly DKM events. Try to enlighten myself in my connections with The Merciful. Unfortunately, that plan backfired. These too sudden movements made me a bit stressed, and befriended with these sociable but freak people was more fun than I thought, making me neglected my academics and tasks, becoming an easy-going people who didn't think nothing except fun. Or you could say, a slave of fun. My staff secretary role was far from being efficient, committee in many events made me tired (because I was not used to it) and hanging with those fuckin' crazy people brought me so damn many of fun @_@. So I failed at academics, at organizations, and of course at man-woman relationship. I realized this when I was about going to the third grade. I was desperate. Everything backfired. I had distances with my family because of rarely at home. My mind just couldn't concentrate because this girl thing slowly began to plagued my mind, resulting in failed academics and organizations. When I was thinking 'bout this. This is my first mental breakdown that affects my academics, the only thing I have never failed.
ZZZ I'm beginning to feel sleepy.
This mental breakdown gave birth to the one of ultimate incident, the shot. In my last days of 2nd year, near the exams, this girl thing was overpowering all of other problems, my academics my family, organizations. This girl problem thing cut out my logical abilities. And so, it happens. I confessed my feelings to her, via SMS. *SHEET, which girl in the world would be happy got a SMS saying that a guy that she didn't ever talked with him except several words love her. ARE YOU AN IDIOT OR SOMETHING?* Moreover, I forgot sign a name, forcing to send second SMS. *<- YOU REALLY ARE FUCKIN' RETARDED! * Silly me, I still hold my hopes high, truly, silly me. So the simple ultimate answer came. "apa sih ga bgt". Walking through ultimate devastation, the fuckin' retarded idiotic boy reply her again that he was just wanted to tell her that he loves her, that's all. *truly fuckin' idiotic retarded*. So the girl answers again... "terSerah" CRITICAL HIT! welcome to the melancholy. The boy stayed as a zombie for some last weeks of May. But no, this ordeal has not ended by that critical hit. When the fuckin' idiotic boy came having fun with his fuckin' crazy guys, his mental breakdown accidentally causes that two SMS spread. Welcome to hell, boy! My high school days has entered the new saga of HELL! Third year. That so damned information spreading has killed my dignity. I have no pride to lost, no dignity to save. I threw all those organizations. My so fuckin' crazy friends continued taunting me everyday, especially when my class and hers are just beside each other. o_0' But I didn't care, I have nothing to lose, cause I have lost everything. At least I could concentrate at study now, that no girl thing bugged me anymore, and I have threw all organizations. I didn't mad at my fuckin' crazy friends. Well, they got the information, I couldn't do nothing. All I asked was only to taunt and tease me alone, don't get her involved in this. And they amazingly did that, knowing they are so fuckin' crazy friends, yet they still understands. So all I have to do is just shining at academics to show what I was worth for. To show her that I really mean it. The results wasn't bad. My academics peaked rapidly in just few months. Even myself couldn't believe that I was doing this. I learned every subjects quickly and precisely, more with the laugh of my fuckin' crazy friends, sent me to the peak of my teen saga. But unfortunately, seeds of proud and boastful began to sprout in this time, because of this quick and efficient learning I had this time. I became arrogant and more arrogant, little by little. Acted as I knew the whole world. But in reality, no one knew me. As I enter the college, my fuckin' crazy friends all scattered through the world. While I grew arrogant day by day, I realized that this time, my fuckin' crazy friends weren't here with me. They're all have their own life now, and I realized that this was a zero start, and my fuckin' timid and socially withdrawn with apathetic feeling suddenly rose. The cause of thing was simple, the pain of being left. My fuckin' crazy friends now have their own life. The girl I love is living splendidly, without even need my existence. She didn't even really care that I got to this "so fuckin' hard to got in major thing." That pain of being left and unneeded gave birth to the socially withdrawn thing, because I'm afraid..... that in not so far future, I will feel this pain of being left again. if I create another bonds with another people. I know I can't fight the flow of time. I know I can't fight the constant changing. I know that the end comes one pack with beginning. As greetings come one pack with farewells. But I can't help it. I can't help it. I'm afraid of the pain. I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of believing. I'm afraid of dreaming. . . . . . Hey If someone fools enough to read this fuckin' drabble thing. Especially the girl. Please give me clue what should I do right now. Before I completely gone insane, thank you. So The Merciful. Please make her read this, ok. bye. I'm going to have a chat with You, The Merciful. please give me mercy, ok? . . . . . . . . . . . I ?
2 komentar:
when the time's right, kid.
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